http://zachscarberry.tumblr.com/

On the Olympic Opening Ceremonies

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 14:03:00 -0400

Over the weekend, England performed its opening cermemonies, and it has taken me the weekend to truly comprehend what happened. With all the world watching, England decides to perform a stand up comedy routine with only inside jokes. Like we’ve know all along, England is the original Mean Girl.

So we open up on ~~Middle Earth~~ and everyone is having a good time. Children are singing. Woman are tossing apples to each. [I wish I was making this up.] Sheeps are grazing. As I’m holding my breathe for Gandolf to come galloping in on a white steed, the Top Hat Brigade appears.

Lord Grantham is noticebly missing, but Mary’s wedding isn’t going to plan itself right? I’m not really sure what they’re supposed to represent, so I just chalk them up to be the Developers of Middle Earth who are about to bring a shopping center to The Shire…Gollum has been being DYING for a Ross-Dress for Less.

I don’t know who let loose that Wizard Woman on the Bongos, but she evidently ushers in the Industrial Revolution, which isn’t how I remember learning it in AP US History. According to the Opening Ceremonies, the Industrial Revolution not only changed the industrial landscape of England, but made proper businessmen into hip hop ninja dancers. The Newsies start climbing out from a hole in the ground and immediately get to work tearing up the grass, because grass is the last thing to stand up to the revolution. While the humans are killing nature, the last tree on earth just floats above disapprovingly. [Again, perfect time for Gandolf or Aslan to make a cameo.] I imagine the floating tree soars over to America and lands the role of Grandmother Willow in Disney’s Pocahontas because trees need religious freedom too. [‘MURICA]

Then for no apparent reason, James Bond enters, yet I’m still waiting for Aslan. Instead of the soverign king of the Wild Woods, what do I get served? Corgis. The Queen’s Corgis are going bonkers, literally tripping all over themselves. I think this is supposed to be symbolic of what England hopes the viewer’s reaction is going to be to this over the top spectacle. Awkward sexual tension between the Queen and Bond…More CORGIS…Skydive Stunt Doubles…aaannnd SCENE. I think the internet would have exploded had the corgis skydived instead of the queen.

In the most logical sequential flow, we turn to a hospital scene; as all of the tophat ninjas dancers have pop and locked their spines out of alignment. I like how England accidently left out the whole Bubonic Plaque thing, well played. My biggest question during this segment is how did they sell this to the parents of the children performers?

“Umm, we are going to have your kids sit on these beds, then they will get terrorized by flying monkeys/Deatheaters/Putties from the Power Rangers and a giant inflatable He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named…but don’t worry they’ll be doctors and nurses present dressed up like candy strippers dancing around. Oh and then an armada of Mary Poppins-es will float in and will save the day…with umbrellas.”

I can only imagine Julie Andrews going crazy yelling “There is only one MARY POPPINS and that is JULIE ANDREWS” to her cats, Maria Von Trapp and Queen Clarisse Renaldi

Mr. Bean appears on my TV and…wait, am I watching a youtube video or the opening ceremoies. At this point, I tuned out. I was so confused and felt so left out. I bet One Direction felt the same way.

The Plight of the Young Single Professional.

Mon, 23 May 2011 09:00:06 -0400

Visiting churches as a young single guy is heart wrenchingly awful. I’ve tried to downplay it as much as possible, but the fact of the matter is that it’s the pits.

There is usually a three seat gap between me and anyone on my row/pew. If that isn’t a signal enough that I’m new, I don’t know what is. Or it looks like I have SARS. I once tried to sit right next to someone and they promptly slid over a seat. I wish I was making this up. [Sidenote-References to Singles during sermons aren’t that bad when you are with a group of friends, because there is strength in numbers. I mean you may not have found the love of your life, but at least you have friends who haven’t either. References to singles during a sermon when you are by yourself…10 times worse.]

I want to meet the deacon who invented ”Find someone you don’t know and say hello” time of church and punch him in the mouth. For regular attenders, it’s a great time to hug your friends that you’re gonna see afterwards at Cici’s Pizza Buffet. After the 5 minutes of awkward, I don’t stop and think “What a friendly church” I think what an awkward forced time of interactions. Next time I really want to ask the person I introduced myself to what my name was. If it’s gonna be awkward for me, I’m gonna make it awkward for someone else.

So stay strong my single brethren, in the words of the prolific cinema classic of our time, High School Musical, “We’re all in this together.”

My Pleasure

Sun, 22 May 2011 12:33:00 -0400

Sorry for the absence from this blog. I really wish I could blame it on my busy corporate job, but let’s be honest. I am no where near that. I thought I had come to a place where I could finally tell people that I work at a ~~fast food~~ quick service restaurant…Nope, still not quite there yet.

The one highlight of working at a quick service restaurant is that it gives you plenty of good stories. This week I had a customer freak out on me, like Mel Gibson voicemail freak out material. He called me disrespectful. He said I was inconsiderate. He told me I had disrespected him more than anyone else in his life.

He also had a large John 3:16 hat and was a pastor, which he informed me of multiple times.

What was my offense? I put his credit and receipt on the counter while I was busy assembling his order. Unbelievable. He also wanted to shake my hand afterwards. Bizarre.

This week also marked my most awkward pseudo-interaction to date. A past college intern with my youth group when I was in middle school came in to Chick-fil-A. I should also mention that I caught him getting frisky with his girlfriend while he was house sitting for one of our family friends. I could tell I looked familiar to him, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was the middle schooler who almost made him loose his job.

Well kids, I’m hopefully back on the blog horse. We’ll see how long this lasts….

This is how I choose to reenter the blogosphere. Heaven on a...

Wed, 18 May 2011 14:16:53 -0400

This is how I choose to reenter the blogosphere. Heaven on a hoagie.

Sorry.

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 17:49:00 -0500

The real world is currently taking over my life.

Grammys.

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 15:43:36 -0500

I have never watched the Grammy’s before in my life, so I’m not really sure why I started this year. We’ll chalk it up to adulthood. Here are my musings about the Grammys.

The ninjas. oh the ninjas. If I was a 16 year old pop star you best believe I would only share the stage with ninjas too.
Will Smith adopt me. Or Mumford, I will be a beautiful addition to your slew of sons. Mumford and more Sons, has a nice ring to it. Heck, I think the Avett Brothers could add one more to their brood as well.
Lady Gaga. Everyone is talking about you once again, you happy yet? But seriously, an egg. You’re developing quite the trend for breakfast motifs.
Gwyneth Paltrow. Just because you portrayed a singer in a movie, does not make you a singer. You are not fooling anyone.
Speaking of Gwyenth, nothing softens a song with an expletive in the title like puppets and grown man in a parrot gladiator costume.
You have to respect an Australian man who plays country music. It’s like he is always in character.
Norah Jones, Keith Urban, and ~~Jonny Depp~~ John Mayer covering Jolene. magic
Lastly, did anyone see how excited Kings of Leon were to be presenting with Miley. Yeah, me neither.

Valentine's Day.

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 13:37:00 -0500

One time in Middle School, I broke up with a girl on her birthday. I guess I should also mention her birthday was on Valentine’s Day. Which also happened to be the biggest dance of our middle school career…and I spilled Slush Puppie all over her new Valentine’s Day TY Beanie Baby.

So whatever happens or doesn’t happen this Valentine’s Day, just be grateful you’re not dating the middle school version of me. Happy Valentine’s Day Ya’ll.

Further proof that my sister wants to be just like me. yes. I...

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 23:42:06 -0500

Further proof that my sister wants to be just like me.

yes. I was her facebook status.

Sorry I'm Not Sorry...

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 23:10:00 -0500

There are a few things that I will defend till the day I die. I’m not talking about the big issues like the right to bear arms or free speech, but the day to day things that people judge you for. I will never apologize for the following:

My Love of McGriddles-Syrup crystals infused inside of a pancake bun that’s monogrammed with the corporate logo? Don’t mind if I do. If a fast food restaurant company can accomplish such a feat, then I completely believe that someone some where is cloning humans.

Going 5-10 over the Speed Limit-There are bigger things to worry about like those scientist cloning people.

Facial Hair-You say I look homeless, I say I look rugged. What do Abe Lincoln, Dr. Phil, and Billy Mays have in common? Besides being social activists and game changers? Facial hair. Boom. Roasted.

My Love of Mandy Moore-I believe every lady could take a lesson out of the Book of Mandy. She appeared in Scrubs, died in “A Walk to Remember,” and wrote one of the greatest songs ever, “I Want to Be With You.” What have YOU done lately?

Not Thinking Babies are Awesome-I don’t understand the big deal. Are they cute? Yes. Do they occasionally do funny things? Yes. Will they cure cancer? No. I love kids, but people’s obsession with infants can get borderline obsessive.

What are you not sorry about?

Things I Won't Miss about Clemson

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 13:25:17 -0500

Clemson started back to class a couple of weeks ago with out me. [thanks snowpocalypse] I guess it’s true the world does in fact NOT revolve around me. So in order to suppress the jealousy that is currently residing in my heart, here is a list of things I won’t miss about Clemson.

Parking Services-I know it’s your job, but do you know how many things we college students have to deal with on a daily basis. I know your little eco friendly clown car is tight, but I didn’t make you ride around in that. So please stop taking it out on me and my friends. We just want to park close to the library so we dont get mugged by all the big city criminals crawling through rural desolation that is Clemson after 10pm.

Walking Across Bowman After a Good Rain-Oh Bowman, we had quite the love hate relationship, didn’t we. I really suggest getting medicated for your bipolar nature. Your lush green grass is the perfect canvas for frisbee, football, and frienship. But your alter ego, Bowman Swamp is a skank. You’ve ruined my Rainbows, wet my Wallabees, and suckerpunched my Sperrys, and I’m not ok with that. I’m sending you a bill.

Attendance Policies-Let me keep my A. I’m sorry your class is a cake walk. [Speaking of which, I need a fall festival stat. I love free pastries] Why should I have to sit in your class playing bubble spinner, when I could be playing bubble spinner in my own apartment?

Buying Books-Clemson, so you really want to be a top twenty public institution? Solve this problem. This is a tragedy. I never been to New York, but I imagine that this is the same feeling you get when you buy a foach or a frada (fake coach/fake prada) purse. Completely taken advantage and feeling a little dirty inside.

That’s just the beginning, but I’ve been in the Chick-fil-A sucking up WiFi so long that I have heard the full rotation of Christian Music they have on loop. [cue I Can Only Imagine]

Roommates.

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 16:56:00 -0500

I miss my roommates. I said it. I think I have it a little worse off because we decided to make a twitter account for our apartment, which was a great idea at the time. Now everytime I log onto twitter, I see all the typical hilarity that ensues when you live with 8 guys. Even though they are just words on a screen, I literally laugh out loud because I can hear the tone and only guess at the situation that prompted that response…and then I weep uncontrollably. Oh roommates. I miss a lot of things, but here are my favorite things.

Trumping your Worst-The beauty of roommates is the delicate balance that has to be established when living with distinct personalities; everyone knows their role. I have come to peace that I was the ridiculous roommate. I consistently did/said outlandish things on a daily basis. There were those times where you did something so utterly stupid that you didn’t think you could ever live it down, only to be out done by your roommate. Those moments kept my sane through college. For example, one time I slept through my 8AM for the third time in a week, but I didn’t feel so bad because one of my roommates slept till 3PM. Sweet vindication.

Man Challenges: Our main vocabulary in our apartment consisted of “you won’t” or “prove it” in college There is something about being called out that can get a rise out of any man. The audacity to question a man’s resolve is like tickling a grizzly. It might be funny for a little bit, but someone is going to get hurt. I did some stupid things due to man challenges, but at least I can say I’m a man of my word.

Late Night Food Runs: One thing that has yet to change after graduation is my dependence on 4th Meal. [the dinner after dinner] We had the privilege and honor to live close to a sketchy convenience store that we lovingly dubbed the “Stop and Rob.” For some reason, our apartment never had normal items such as bread or milk, but we ALWAYS had approximately 4 dozen eggs at any given time. [say what you want, but all the ladies loved it] So, instead of going to the store on a consistent basis, we just payed overpriced items at the “Stop and Rob” or super underpriced items at Sonic or Wendys. The closest late night food adventures I currently have is watching “I Used to be Fat” on MTV while eating junk food. Looking back how did I not become obese?

What is/was your favorite things about living with roommates?

Anyone who can cover a Brittany Spears song with a violin...

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 09:00:00 -0500

Anyone who can cover a Brittany Spears song with a violin deserves your respect.

Wayback Wednesday-Middle School Dances

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 16:02:53 -0500

Middle School dances are the definition of awkward. I think it’s an universally understood fact. Looking back, it really wasn’t that hard to throw a succesful Middle School dance. You only needed two things-Pizza and Mambo No. 5.

The best thing about dances were all of the intesting juxtapositions. [You’re welcome high school seniors for that SAT word of that day]. In middle school, you’re caught in limbo between elementary and high school. You still occasionally like to watch cartoons, even though you won’t admit. You start to go out with girls, even though you don’t technically “go out” anywhere besides recess. It’s like the famous Brittany Spears’ song “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman”

I want to apologize to all of my homeschool friends because you didn’t get to partake in this phenomena. [Sorry you missed out Lindsey]. So close you eyes and imagine with me. On second thought, don’t close your eyes. This isn’t an audio blog. Let me paint you a picture

You walk into a musty gymnasium and are immediately hit with a curtain of body odor and sausage pizza; the olfactory calling card of middle school boys. You sling your monogrammed L.L. Beam bookbag to the side of the bleachers and find your group of friends. It easy to spot your friends, because they look just like you. Girls are clad in Limited Too and butterfly hair clips. You probably wont be able to distinguish any one person from the glair from all of the excessive body glitter. Guys are probaly in Old Navy’s 4th of July T-shirt and some shorts. Nothing special, because after all it’s just. a. dance. Mom. There is little interation between the sexes at first, and then it happens. The anthem of middle school unification. The Macarena. Slowly, one by one the masses descend upon the dance floor. The mood slows down, Celine Deon’s “My Heart Will Go On” starts playing softly over the PA system. Middle schools all over the wooden basketball court at arms distance ask, “Is this real love?” Oh, young romance.

No matter what though I know two things. Mambo No. 5 was my jam in middle school, and it remains my jam to this day. I can’t wait until Mambo No. 6 drops.

Sometimes my niece smokes invisible cigarettes.

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 16:02:19 -0500

Sometimes my niece smokes invisible cigarettes.

Wayback Wednesday-POGS

Wed, 12 Jan 2011 10:01:07 -0500

I was cleaning out my closet this weekend and happened to come across [besides my collection of Stars War figures] my collection of POGS. Neatly organized in plastic sleeves, they are perfectly preserved for future sale; just the way my 7 year old brain had planned. I distinctly remembering telling my friends that they were going to be worth thousands one day. [Dear Future Fetus, your college fund is invested entirely in Beanie Babies and POGS. So you’re golden.]

Behind those little cardboard discs is a multi-billionaire. How do I know this? Because my sister and I funded at least two billion dollars of his profits. Call me crazy, but I firmly believe the same guy who invented POGS had to invent Silly Bands. The ability to create childhood crazes is a rare gift; and is by my estimation only present in one man during any given lifetime. A man who can turn a profit off of cardboard circles and rubber bands needs to be awarded the Nobel Prize.

via Milkcap Mania

Not only did they get me to buy those stupid cardboard discs, but POGS also convinced me to gladly knock 5 years off from my life. How you ask? Hardee’s. Remember the beautifully executed joint marketing promotion between Hardee’s and the movie, Apollo 13. Well played sir. I never remember being so excited about eating at Hardees in my life. A POGS container that happens to also be in the shape of the Apollo 13 shuttle? This is the type of thing that made 7 year old Zach go ape in the back of our Mazada 626 and force many Hardee’s family dinners.

The best things about POGS was not their cheap production costs, bur rather no one knew how to actually play. I vaguely remember something about stacking them up…or was that Jenga. I can’t be sure.

Potential Job Opportunity #3456789876-Create a childhood toy fad and make bank.

Conversations with my Mother.

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 17:56:00 -0500

One of my favorite things about being at home is getting to spend time with my mom, because she is inadvertently hilarious. For instance, my mom tries to prove that she is really hip by telling me trivial pop culture facts. Case in point-she once told me three times in the course of one day that Demi Lovato is in rehab. three times.

Here are my favorite quotes from my mom this week.

“I know how to text Zach, except I don’t know how to text numbers, so I just spell them out.”

“When I get my smartphone, it will fix everything.”

“I love Elf, it’s really one of my favorites. I haven’t watched it in like 3 years.”

Preface: Mom brings up the fact that one of my old girlfriends is dating someone, which I actually informed her about. “But she’s not dating yooooouuu. I feel so bad for her.” -Reason 456789876 why my mom is awesome, and the perfect kindergarden teacher.

Perks of living at home: constant encouragement.

#roommatetweets

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 23:20:00 -0500

Story: You definitely could have grown your hair out some and been biebs for Halloween
Me: Go eat some hummus and gluten free organic free range pita chips. #firehazzard
Story: I lost my late 2000's messenger bag/Dave barnes persona- maybe you can lend me some of your flannels #everyonejumpon3profilepic
Me: Touche my friend. Touche.

Wayback Wednesday-Week 1

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 16:00:06 -0500

Welcome to Wayback Wednesday, the new weekly post of my favorite songs/memories/TV shows/etc. from yesteryear. It only makes sense that while I get to live in my childhood room, I should share with you my faithful readers the joys of our forgotten youth. I’m really excited to kick of this new weekly segment with what can only be described as a hidden gem. I’m going to apologize in advance for getting this song stuck in your head.

Say hello to our old friend Teddy Geiger, singer of the hit “For You I Will (Confidence)” also known as ”The Definition of a One Hit Wonder.” After watching the music video, I had a couple observations/confessions.

Did I practice for hours trying to get the cadence to the lyrics “muster every ounce of confidence I have” right? No. Am I a liar? Absolutely.
Teddy, being a street performer doesn’t exactly scream “stability.” How about getting the confidence to get a real job.
Oh, Hey Kristin Cavallari, sweet Uggs. [syke] This is proof that Uggs are soooo 2006. Please ladies, can we embrace a new trend now. Sincerely, All Men.
Waterbeds aren’t all that they are cracked up to be.
NO HIGH SCHOOL HAS PARTIES LIKE THAT.
The lyrics “cannonball into the water” were so much richer and deep, until the music video took it so literally.
Did he roofie Kristin Cavallari at the end of the music video or is that just me?

I was curious why Teddy dropped of the radar, and then I discovered the reason why nestled discretely in the music video…

hello creepy senior picture.

Perfect Love.

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 10:02:07 -0500

This week I got my first taste of the real world. My first corporate rejection letter. The flat calculated wording was more biting than I expected. It was a cold neutral response to an unknown applicant; just another name on a starched piece of overpriced linen paper. My accomplishments and accolades were not enough. I would be lying if fear wasn’t my first overwhelming response. I will never get a job. I will have to sell knives door to door for the rest of my life.

It was reminscent of exam week during my sophomore year at Clemson. We had bunkered down in Brackett to study all night for the exams that we had put off to watch Elf. It was late and we were hungry, so we obviously we ordered a pizza. And lo and be hold our pizza delivery guy was a Clemson alum, and the best job he could get was as a pizza delivery man. My world came crashing down. At that moment, I was convinced that college was the pinnacle of all schemes that the best conman in the world had conceived; convincing doe eyed seniors that college would be the yellow brick road to the emerald city of job security.

Then I just had to laugh. I based my identity and worth off of a stranger’s perception from a page of 12 point typeface. Day 4 of unemployment and I’ve learned my first lesson of the year.

Perfect love casts out fear. 1 John 4:18

The job search has brought many of my deepest fears to the surface. Fear of failure. of inadequacy. of people’s perceptions. of not being good enough. But I’m here living in ~~Plan B~~ Plan K, and while my plans have changed, Jesus’s love for me hasn’t. I think it will take the rest of my life to truly comprehend perfect love, but it brings the promise of complete acceptance. More than that, it means there is a plan for my current situation. The present is God’s perfect plan for me that is rooted in his perfect love. I need to be reminded of that daily. hourly. every minute and every second.

Check back later today (4PM EST) for the newest weekly segment-Wayback Wednesday. Seriously, you don’t want to miss it.

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 00:23:33 -0500