Visiting churches as a young single guy is heart wrenchingly awful. I’ve tried to downplay it as much as possible, but the fact of the matter is that it’s the pits.

There is usually a three seat gap between me and anyone on my row/pew. If that isn’t a signal enough that I’m new, I don’t know what is. Or it looks like I have SARS. I once tried to sit right next to someone and they promptly slid over a seat. I wish I was making this up. [Sidenote-References to Singles during sermons aren’t that bad when you are with a group of friends, because there is strength in numbers. I mean you may not have found the love of your life, but at least you have friends who haven’t either. References to singles during a sermon when you are by yourself…10 times worse.]

I want to meet the deacon who invented ”Find someone you don’t know and say hello” time of church and punch him in the mouth. For regular attenders, it’s a great time to hug your friends that you’re gonna see afterwards at Cici’s Pizza Buffet.  After the 5 minutes of awkward, I don’t stop and think “What a friendly church” I think what an awkward forced time of interactions. Next time I really want to ask the person I introduced myself to what my name was. If it’s gonna be awkward for me, I’m gonna make it awkward for someone else.

So stay strong my single brethren, in the words of the prolific cinema classic of our time, High School Musical, “We’re all in this together.”

Sorry for the absence from this blog. I really wish I could blame it on my busy corporate job, but let’s be honest. I am no where near that. I thought I had come to a place where I could finally tell people that I work at a fast food quick service restaurant…Nope, still not quite there yet.

The one highlight of working at a quick service restaurant is that it gives you plenty of good stories. This week I had a customer freak out on me, like Mel Gibson voicemail freak out material. He called me disrespectful. He said I was inconsiderate. He told me I had disrespected him more than anyone else in his life.

He also had a large John 3:16 hat and was a pastor, which he informed me of multiple times.

What was my offense? I put his credit and receipt on the counter while I was busy assembling his order. Unbelievable. He also wanted to shake my hand afterwards. Bizarre.

This week also marked my most awkward pseudo-interaction to date. A past college intern with my youth group when I was in middle school came in to Chick-fil-A. I should also mention that I caught him getting frisky with his girlfriend while he was house sitting for one of our family friends. I could tell I looked familiar to him, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was the middle schooler who almost made him loose his job.

Well kids, I’m hopefully back on the blog horse. We’ll see how long this lasts….

The real world is currently taking over my life. 

I have never watched the Grammy’s before in my life, so I’m not really sure why I started this year. We’ll chalk it up to adulthood. Here are my musings about the Grammys.

• The ninjas. oh the ninjas. If I was a 16 year old pop star you best believe I would only share the stage with ninjas too.
• Will Smith adopt me. Or Mumford, I will be a beautiful addition to your slew of sons. Mumford and more Sons, has a nice ring to it. Heck, I think the Avett Brothers could add one more to their brood as well.
• Lady Gaga. Everyone is talking about you once again, you happy yet? But seriously, an egg. You’re developing quite the trend for breakfast motifs.
• Gwyneth Paltrow. Just because you portrayed a singer in a movie, does not make you a singer. You are not fooling anyone.
• Speaking of Gwyenth, nothing softens a song with an expletive in the title like puppets and grown man in a parrot gladiator costume.
• You have to respect an Australian man who plays country music. It’s like he is always in character.
• Norah Jones, Keith Urban, and Jonny Depp  John Mayer covering Jolene. magic
• Lastly, did anyone see how excited Kings of Leon were to be presenting with Miley. Yeah, me neither.

One time in Middle School, I broke up with a girl on her birthday. I guess I should also mention her birthday was on Valentine’s Day. Which also happened to be the biggest dance of our middle school career…and I spilled Slush Puppie all over her new Valentine’s Day TY Beanie Baby. 

So whatever happens or doesn’t happen this Valentine’s Day, just be grateful you’re not dating the middle school version of me. Happy Valentine’s Day Ya’ll.

There are a few things that I will defend till the day I die. I’m not talking about the big issues like the right to bear arms or free speech, but the day to day things that people judge you for. I will never apologize for the following:

My Love of McGriddles-Syrup crystals infused inside of a pancake bun that’s monogrammed with the corporate logo? Don’t mind if I do. If a fast food restaurant company can accomplish such a feat, then I completely believe that someone some where is cloning humans.

Going 5-10 over the Speed Limit-There are bigger things to worry about like those scientist cloning people. 

Facial Hair-You say I look homeless, I say I look rugged. What do Abe Lincoln, Dr. Phil, and Billy Mays have in common? Besides being social activists and game changers? Facial hair. Boom. Roasted.

My Love of Mandy Moore-I believe every lady could take a lesson out of the Book of Mandy. She appeared in Scrubs, died in “A Walk to Remember,” and wrote one of the greatest songs ever, “I Want to Be With You.” What have YOU done lately?

Not Thinking Babies are Awesome-I don’t understand the big deal. Are they cute? Yes. Do they occasionally do funny things? Yes. Will they cure cancer? No. I love kids, but people’s obsession with infants can get borderline obsessive. 

What are you not sorry about?

Clemson started back to class a couple of weeks ago with out me. [thanks snowpocalypse] I guess it’s true the world does in fact NOT revolve around me. So in order to suppress the jealousy that is currently residing in my heart, here is a list of things I won’t miss about Clemson.

Parking Services-I know it’s your job, but do you know how many things we college students have to deal with on a daily basis. I know your little eco friendly clown car is tight, but I didn’t make you ride around in that. So please stop taking it out on me and my friends. We just want to park close to the library so we dont get mugged by all the big city criminals crawling through rural desolation that is Clemson after 10pm.

Walking Across Bowman After a Good Rain-Oh Bowman, we had quite the love hate relationship, didn’t we. I really suggest getting medicated for your bipolar nature. Your lush green grass is the perfect canvas for frisbee, football, and frienship. But your alter ego, Bowman Swamp is a skank. You’ve ruined my Rainbows, wet my Wallabees, and suckerpunched my Sperrys, and I’m not ok with that. I’m sending you a bill.

Attendance Policies-Let me keep my A. I’m sorry your class is a cake walk. [Speaking of which, I need a fall festival stat. I love free pastries] Why should I have to sit in your class playing bubble spinner, when I could be playing bubble spinner in my own apartment? 

Buying Books-Clemson, so you really want to be a top twenty public institution? Solve this problem. This is a tragedy. I never been to New York, but I imagine that this is the same feeling you get when you buy a foach or a frada (fake coach/fake prada) purse. Completely taken advantage and feeling a little dirty inside. 

That’s just the beginning, but I’ve been in the Chick-fil-A sucking up WiFi so long that I have heard the full rotation of Christian Music they have on loop. [cue I Can Only Imagine]

I miss my roommates. I said it. I think I have it a little worse off because we decided to make a twitter account for our apartment, which was a great idea at the time. Now everytime I log onto twitter, I see all the typical hilarity that ensues when you live with 8 guys. Even though they are just words on a screen, I literally laugh out loud because I can hear the tone and only guess at the situation that prompted that response…and then I weep uncontrollably. Oh roommates. I miss a lot of things, but here are my favorite things.

Trumping your Worst-The beauty of roommates is the delicate balance that has to be established when living with distinct personalities; everyone knows their role. I have come to peace that I was the ridiculous roommate. I consistently did/said outlandish things on a daily basis. There were those times where you did something so utterly stupid that you didn’t think you could ever live it down, only to be out done by your roommate. Those moments kept my sane through college. For example, one time I slept through my 8AM for the third time in a week, but I didn’t feel so bad because one of my roommates slept till 3PM. Sweet vindication.

Man Challenges: Our main vocabulary in our apartment consisted of “you won’t” or “prove it” in college There is something about being called out that can get a rise out of any man. The audacity to question a man’s resolve is like tickling a grizzly. It might be funny for a little bit, but someone is going to get hurt. I did some stupid things due to man challenges, but at least I can say I’m a man of my word.

Late Night Food Runs: One thing that has yet to change after graduation is my dependence on 4th Meal. [the dinner after dinner] We had the privilege and honor to live close to a sketchy convenience store that we lovingly dubbed the “Stop and Rob.” For some reason, our apartment never had normal items such as bread or milk, but we ALWAYS had approximately 4 dozen eggs at any given time. [say what you want, but all the ladies loved it] So, instead of going to the store on a consistent basis, we just payed overpriced items at the “Stop and Rob” or super underpriced items at Sonic or Wendys.  The closest late night food adventures I currently have is watching “I Used to be Fat” on MTV while eating junk food. Looking back how did I not become obese?

What is/was your favorite things about living with roommates?