Over the weekend, England performed its opening cermemonies, and it has taken me the weekend to truly comprehend what happened. With all the world watching, England decides to perform a stand up comedy routine with only inside jokes. Like we’ve know all along, England is the original Mean Girl.
So we open up on
Middle Earth and everyone is having a good time. Children are singing. Woman are tossing apples to each. [I wish I was making this up.] Sheeps are grazing. As I’m holding my breathe for Gandolf to come galloping in on a white steed, the Top Hat Brigade appears.
Lord Grantham is noticebly missing, but Mary’s wedding isn’t going to plan itself right? I’m not really sure what they’re supposed to represent, so I just chalk them up to be the Developers of Middle Earth who are about to bring a shopping center to The Shire…Gollum has been being DYING for a Ross-Dress for Less.
I don’t know who let loose that Wizard Woman on the Bongos, but she evidently ushers in the Industrial Revolution, which isn’t how I remember learning it in AP US History. According to the Opening Ceremonies, the Industrial Revolution not only changed the industrial landscape of England, but made proper businessmen into hip hop ninja dancers. The Newsies start climbing out from a hole in the ground and immediately get to work tearing up the grass, because grass is the last thing to stand up to the revolution. While the humans are killing nature, the last tree on earth just floats above disapprovingly. [Again, perfect time for Gandolf or Aslan to make a cameo.] I imagine the floating tree soars over to America and lands the role of Grandmother Willow in Disney’s Pocahontas because trees need religious freedom too. [‘MURICA]
Then for no apparent reason, James Bond enters, yet I’m still waiting for Aslan. Instead of the soverign king of the Wild Woods, what do I get served? Corgis. The Queen’s Corgis are going bonkers, literally tripping all over themselves. I think this is supposed to be symbolic of what England hopes the viewer’s reaction is going to be to this over the top spectacle. Awkward sexual tension between the Queen and Bond…More CORGIS…Skydive Stunt Doubles…aaannnd SCENE. I think the internet would have exploded had the corgis skydived instead of the queen.
In the most logical sequential flow, we turn to a hospital scene; as all of the tophat ninjas dancers have pop and locked their spines out of alignment. I like how England accidently left out the whole Bubonic Plaque thing, well played. My biggest question during this segment is how did they sell this to the parents of the children performers?
“Umm, we are going to have your kids sit on these beds, then they will get terrorized by flying monkeys/Deatheaters/Putties from the Power Rangers and a giant inflatable He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named…but don’t worry they’ll be doctors and nurses present dressed up like candy strippers dancing around. Oh and then an armada of Mary Poppins-es will float in and will save the day…with umbrellas.”
I can only imagine Julie Andrews going crazy yelling “There is only one MARY POPPINS and that is JULIE ANDREWS” to her cats, Maria Von Trapp and Queen Clarisse Renaldi
Mr. Bean appears on my TV and…wait, am I watching a youtube video or the opening ceremoies. At this point, I tuned out. I was so confused and felt so left out. I bet One Direction felt the same way.