Over the weekend, England performed its opening cermemonies, and it has taken me the weekend to truly comprehend what happened. With all the world watching, England decides to perform a stand up comedy routine with only inside jokes. Like we’ve know all along, England is the original Mean Girl.

So we open up on Middle Earth and everyone is having a good time. Children are singing. Woman are tossing apples to each. [I wish I was making this up.] Sheeps are grazing. As I’m holding my breathe for Gandolf to come galloping in on a white steed, the Top Hat Brigade appears. 

Lord Grantham is noticebly missing, but Mary’s wedding isn’t going to plan itself right? I’m not really sure what they’re supposed to represent, so I just chalk them up to be the Developers of Middle Earth who are about to bring a shopping center to The Shire…Gollum has been being DYING for a Ross-Dress for Less.

I don’t know who let loose that Wizard Woman on the Bongos, but she evidently ushers in the Industrial Revolution, which isn’t how I remember learning it in AP US History.  According to the Opening Ceremonies, the Industrial Revolution not only changed the industrial landscape of England, but made proper businessmen into hip hop ninja dancers.  The Newsies start climbing out from a hole in the ground and immediately get to work tearing up the grass, because grass is the last thing to stand up to the revolution. While the humans are killing nature, the last tree on earth just floats above disapprovingly. [Again, perfect time for Gandolf or Aslan to make a cameo.] I imagine the floating tree soars over to America and lands the role of Grandmother Willow in Disney’s Pocahontas because trees need religious freedom too. [‘MURICA]

Then for no apparent reason, James Bond enters, yet I’m still waiting for Aslan. Instead of the soverign king of the Wild Woods, what do I get served? Corgis. The Queen’s Corgis are going bonkers, literally tripping all over themselves. I think this is supposed to be symbolic of what England hopes the viewer’s reaction is going to be to this over the top spectacle.  Awkward sexual tension between the Queen and Bond…More CORGIS…Skydive Stunt Doubles…aaannnd SCENE. I think the internet would have exploded had the corgis skydived instead of the queen. 

In the most logical sequential flow, we turn to a hospital scene; as all of the tophat ninjas dancers have pop and locked their spines out of alignment.  I like how England accidently left out the whole Bubonic Plaque thing, well played. My biggest question during this segment is how did they sell this to the parents of the children performers? 

“Umm, we are going to have your kids sit on these beds, then they will get terrorized by flying monkeys/Deatheaters/Putties from the Power Rangers and a giant inflatable He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named…but don’t worry they’ll be doctors and nurses present dressed up like candy strippers dancing around. Oh and then an armada of Mary Poppins-es will float in and will save the day…with umbrellas.” 

I can only imagine Julie Andrews going crazy yelling “There is only one MARY POPPINS and that is JULIE ANDREWS” to her cats, Maria Von Trapp and Queen Clarisse Renaldi

Mr. Bean appears on my TV and…wait, am I watching a youtube video or the opening ceremoies. At this point, I tuned out. I was so confused and felt so left out. I bet One Direction felt the same way.

Visiting churches as a young single guy is heart wrenchingly awful. I’ve tried to downplay it as much as possible, but the fact of the matter is that it’s the pits.

There is usually a three seat gap between me and anyone on my row/pew. If that isn’t a signal enough that I’m new, I don’t know what is. Or it looks like I have SARS. I once tried to sit right next to someone and they promptly slid over a seat. I wish I was making this up. [Sidenote-References to Singles during sermons aren’t that bad when you are with a group of friends, because there is strength in numbers. I mean you may not have found the love of your life, but at least you have friends who haven’t either. References to singles during a sermon when you are by yourself…10 times worse.]

I want to meet the deacon who invented ”Find someone you don’t know and say hello” time of church and punch him in the mouth. For regular attenders, it’s a great time to hug your friends that you’re gonna see afterwards at Cici’s Pizza Buffet.  After the 5 minutes of awkward, I don’t stop and think “What a friendly church” I think what an awkward forced time of interactions. Next time I really want to ask the person I introduced myself to what my name was. If it’s gonna be awkward for me, I’m gonna make it awkward for someone else.

So stay strong my single brethren, in the words of the prolific cinema classic of our time, High School Musical, “We’re all in this together.”

Sorry for the absence from this blog. I really wish I could blame it on my busy corporate job, but let’s be honest. I am no where near that. I thought I had come to a place where I could finally tell people that I work at a fast food quick service restaurant…Nope, still not quite there yet.

The one highlight of working at a quick service restaurant is that it gives you plenty of good stories. This week I had a customer freak out on me, like Mel Gibson voicemail freak out material. He called me disrespectful. He said I was inconsiderate. He told me I had disrespected him more than anyone else in his life.

He also had a large John 3:16 hat and was a pastor, which he informed me of multiple times.

What was my offense? I put his credit and receipt on the counter while I was busy assembling his order. Unbelievable. He also wanted to shake my hand afterwards. Bizarre.

This week also marked my most awkward pseudo-interaction to date. A past college intern with my youth group when I was in middle school came in to Chick-fil-A. I should also mention that I caught him getting frisky with his girlfriend while he was house sitting for one of our family friends. I could tell I looked familiar to him, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was the middle schooler who almost made him loose his job.

Well kids, I’m hopefully back on the blog horse. We’ll see how long this lasts….

The real world is currently taking over my life. 

I have never watched the Grammy’s before in my life, so I’m not really sure why I started this year. We’ll chalk it up to adulthood. Here are my musings about the Grammys.

• The ninjas. oh the ninjas. If I was a 16 year old pop star you best believe I would only share the stage with ninjas too.
• Will Smith adopt me. Or Mumford, I will be a beautiful addition to your slew of sons. Mumford and more Sons, has a nice ring to it. Heck, I think the Avett Brothers could add one more to their brood as well.
• Lady Gaga. Everyone is talking about you once again, you happy yet? But seriously, an egg. You’re developing quite the trend for breakfast motifs.
• Gwyneth Paltrow. Just because you portrayed a singer in a movie, does not make you a singer. You are not fooling anyone.
• Speaking of Gwyenth, nothing softens a song with an expletive in the title like puppets and grown man in a parrot gladiator costume.
• You have to respect an Australian man who plays country music. It’s like he is always in character.
• Norah Jones, Keith Urban, and Jonny Depp  John Mayer covering Jolene. magic
• Lastly, did anyone see how excited Kings of Leon were to be presenting with Miley. Yeah, me neither.

One time in Middle School, I broke up with a girl on her birthday. I guess I should also mention her birthday was on Valentine’s Day. Which also happened to be the biggest dance of our middle school career…and I spilled Slush Puppie all over her new Valentine’s Day TY Beanie Baby. 

So whatever happens or doesn’t happen this Valentine’s Day, just be grateful you’re not dating the middle school version of me. Happy Valentine’s Day Ya’ll.

There are a few things that I will defend till the day I die. I’m not talking about the big issues like the right to bear arms or free speech, but the day to day things that people judge you for. I will never apologize for the following:

My Love of McGriddles-Syrup crystals infused inside of a pancake bun that’s monogrammed with the corporate logo? Don’t mind if I do. If a fast food restaurant company can accomplish such a feat, then I completely believe that someone some where is cloning humans.

Going 5-10 over the Speed Limit-There are bigger things to worry about like those scientist cloning people. 

Facial Hair-You say I look homeless, I say I look rugged. What do Abe Lincoln, Dr. Phil, and Billy Mays have in common? Besides being social activists and game changers? Facial hair. Boom. Roasted.

My Love of Mandy Moore-I believe every lady could take a lesson out of the Book of Mandy. She appeared in Scrubs, died in “A Walk to Remember,” and wrote one of the greatest songs ever, “I Want to Be With You.” What have YOU done lately?

Not Thinking Babies are Awesome-I don’t understand the big deal. Are they cute? Yes. Do they occasionally do funny things? Yes. Will they cure cancer? No. I love kids, but people’s obsession with infants can get borderline obsessive. 

What are you not sorry about?

Clemson started back to class a couple of weeks ago with out me. [thanks snowpocalypse] I guess it’s true the world does in fact NOT revolve around me. So in order to suppress the jealousy that is currently residing in my heart, here is a list of things I won’t miss about Clemson.

Parking Services-I know it’s your job, but do you know how many things we college students have to deal with on a daily basis. I know your little eco friendly clown car is tight, but I didn’t make you ride around in that. So please stop taking it out on me and my friends. We just want to park close to the library so we dont get mugged by all the big city criminals crawling through rural desolation that is Clemson after 10pm.

Walking Across Bowman After a Good Rain-Oh Bowman, we had quite the love hate relationship, didn’t we. I really suggest getting medicated for your bipolar nature. Your lush green grass is the perfect canvas for frisbee, football, and frienship. But your alter ego, Bowman Swamp is a skank. You’ve ruined my Rainbows, wet my Wallabees, and suckerpunched my Sperrys, and I’m not ok with that. I’m sending you a bill.

Attendance Policies-Let me keep my A. I’m sorry your class is a cake walk. [Speaking of which, I need a fall festival stat. I love free pastries] Why should I have to sit in your class playing bubble spinner, when I could be playing bubble spinner in my own apartment? 

Buying Books-Clemson, so you really want to be a top twenty public institution? Solve this problem. This is a tragedy. I never been to New York, but I imagine that this is the same feeling you get when you buy a foach or a frada (fake coach/fake prada) purse. Completely taken advantage and feeling a little dirty inside. 

That’s just the beginning, but I’ve been in the Chick-fil-A sucking up WiFi so long that I have heard the full rotation of Christian Music they have on loop. [cue I Can Only Imagine]